We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As shirtless as possible
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
