today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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