Do you still have your period?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
