you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
