White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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