Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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