please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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