I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
