Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
