What did we do last night that was yellow?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
