ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
