Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
