don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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