So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
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