it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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