is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
