From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
