So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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