Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
