the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize