Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
