the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
