I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Randomize
