I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
