He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
