I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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