I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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