Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
