Just cropdusted the office
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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