Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
