My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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