What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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