the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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