Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
