Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
