you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
