What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
