There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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