I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
bring money and cleavage
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
