I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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