She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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