I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
