The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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