Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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