the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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