you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
