After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
