i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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