The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
