I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
