i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
