Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
