i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
