Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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