I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
